Wesker's Bizarre Aventure
by Trap Fanatic
Summary: This is what happens when I decide to write a crack yaoi fic on a whim with no prior experience whatsoever. So there. For optimal shits and giggles, read Dio's parts in the voice of Antfish/Tim Curry.


_Wesker's Bizarre Adventure_

One night, Albert Wesker was out on a casual stroll through the burning wastelands of upstate New Jersey. The smell of sulfur soothed his nostrils, and the smell of drugs and murder made him feel quite at home, not to mention the countless bums and prostitutes which reminded him of his old experiments.

"Hmmmm..." he muttered to himself thoughtfully. "Now that I think of it, I could do with some new test subjects. Business just hasn't been the same since I got punched really, really hard...into a volcano...and died," he reminisced. "Ah well, no sense crying over spilled urine. Time to saturate all over some faces. TEE HEE HEE HEE HEE..." cackled the madman like a giddy schoolgirl rubbing her moist nether regions.

Suddenly the earth shook, the skies lit up, and from the nearby ruins of a 7-11 rose a menacing figure with fabulous, flowing blonde hair and a shining pair of razor sharp fangs.

"Well now..." he said with a smirk. "What brings a degenerate pile of filth like yourself around these parts? In case you haven't noticed, you happen to be tresspassing on the turf of I, DIO! As such, I, Dio, must accept payment in the form of, oh I don't know...YOUR SUNGLASSES!"

"Surely you jest," Wesker replied.

"Not at all, for you see, despite my fabulous, yet mighty, manly, muscular appearance, I am quite sensitive to the rays of the sun. And word on the homeless infested streets is that your sunglasses are custom made for a 'God' and that they are the finest a wealthy egomanical dick can buy...so GIVE IT!" Dio called to his zombie minions, each gripping their glorious 12 inch cocks at the ready. They quickly surrounded Wesker, ready to rip through his faggy black leather pants formed tightly to his firm, round asscheeks and drive their massive, veiny sticks of rotting love salami right between his ever so delicate buns. But before they could get the chance...

"Hmph...foolishness!" scoffed Wesker. "Did you really think I'd wander a place like this without a bodyguard? NEMESIS! I choose you!" A thundering roar echoed from the remains of a decrepit gas station, and a cluster of thick, slimy tentacles rocketed out from the shadows!

"RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHDKUHgkdkfljakjfalkdjk;ajfljfljablargaggjSHGJKSKHKLJ!" Nemesis approached, his deformed, mangled face making Dio flinch just enough to let out the smallest shart in his silky pink panties. As he stomped steadily down the street, his long, phallic tendrils gripped the zombies' cocks and stroked them vigorously, without mercy, until they cried out in ecstasy and flooded the streets with their rancid zombie spunk.

"Well, easy cum, easy blow, I suppose." Dio sighed. "I guess I know when I'm beaten though...ZA WARUDO! In a flash of an inverted color photoshop filter, Dio's Stand, The World, arose from his sexy, well-toned back and froze Wesker and everything around the two of them in a single fraction of a second. "Oh don't worry, Big Al, we're going to have lots of fun," he dramatically monologued to himself, grabbing Nemesis and tossing the hulking abomination effortlessly all the way into upstate Pennsylvania. "In fact, I have the distinct feeling that when we're together..." he continued as his Stand restrained Wesker. "...time will stand still."

As the timestopping effect of The World faded, Dio strutted fabulously like a supermodel up to the detained Wesker who was unsuccessfully struggling for his life. "Oh don't make such a fuss, Whiskers. It's useless, useless, useless...so why don't you just be a good boy and enjoy it, ok?"

The studly vampire ripped through Wesker's shirt with his bare hands and ran his icy fingers along the edge of the soft, pink nipples beneath. Wesker felt as though his manly chest was being rubbed against an iceberg as the cockthirsty vampire caressed him thoroughly, kissing and licking his sweaty armpits and working his way down to the pulsing manhood in Wesker's tight black pants.

"Aggh! You'll pay for this!" Wesker grunted.

"Mmmmm, put it on my tab if you will. Besides, I, Dio, was going to have a drink, but I, Dio, feel I may have to use the little girls' room right about...now." Dio unzipped his fabulous yellow pants and proceeded to unleash his heavenly flowing shower of urine upon Wesker's face, staining his slicked back hair, not to mention his expensive shades.

"...Those were 500 dollar sunglasses, asshole," said Wesker in a deadly serious tone of voice. He spit into the face of his captor.

"That...was uncalled for," replied Dio with a scowl. "I'm afraid that I, Dio, can only be have my patience tested so far...ZA WARUDO!" Time had yet again frozen, long enough for Dio to get behind Wesker, give his asscheeks a good smack, and just as time had resumed its flow, thrust his throbbing vampire cock right between Wesker's mounds of firm, yet soft and fluffy, whitebread.

Wesker, caught off guard, let out a squeal like that of a tiny 6 year old girl. He clenched his asscheeks in excrutiating pain "Just have to wait a little longer..." he thought to himself as Dio drove his cold but meaty cock in and out of his tight, girly, pooper. "An opening should present itself soon..."

"Oh my! I'll give you one thing Wesker...the clean shave, the stainless wipe, the tight grip on my dick! I, Dio, must admit, this is truly the asshole of a G-...GO-...WRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Dio released his slimy load down Wesker's dirt road, when suddenly...

"Die, monster!" shouted Wesker, as he used his Rhino Charge to counter Dio's ejaculation, shoving his palm swiftly through the demon's chest. "You don't belong in this world."

With one last breath, Dio panted, "You...have not...seen the last of I,...Dio..."

"No, I don't believe I have." said Wesker with a smug grin on his face. "I expect we'll be seeing a lot more of each other soon...my new test subject. Tee hee hee hee hee, TEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!"

THE END(?) (Well, fuck, I dunno.) (Probably.)


End file.
